Useless Junk of the Day

Most embarrassing sexual experience

I had my most embarrassing sexual experience while I had a head full of acid.

Shortly after taking a few too many squares on the tongue, I found myself alone in the living room of a house which several of my friends rented. A space-themed porn was on the TV; a late-70’s or early 80’s porn, in which the porn stars and starlets floated about in some type of spaceship.*

I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my left hand, made from roughly one jar of peanut butter, and one jar of grape jelly. I decided that my best bet would be to kill two birds with one stone and masturbate while I ate this sloppy sandwich, a good third of which had already found its way to the floor.

Because everything had to be done quickly, quickly, I began masturbating at a faster pace than I usually take, my head swimming with LSD. I was alternately biting into the filthy sandwich, peanut butter and jelly covering most of my face, then quickly attempting to concentrate on masturbating. The space porn was not helping much, and neither were the taxidermied crows and other random animals hanging from the walls in the room.

After a few minutes, I became very concerned with getting caught in this “not-so-fresh” state, and somehow finished masturbating. Then I finished eating my sandwich. I pulled up my pants, painted with baby batter, peanut butter, and jelly, and waited for my friends to return. I was not caught.

Do you need to be caught to be embarrassed by something you’ve done? Absolutely not. If you think otherwise, what do you think the jelly was?

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Saturday, March 22nd, 2008 Filed under funny, sex |