Useless Junk of the Day

5. Batman –

It was pretty hard to imagine at the time when it was first announced that the guy that did Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure was going to direct Batman or that ‘Mr. Mom’ was going to play him, but then Tim Burton and Michael Keaton did Beetlejuice while waiting on the script and all misgivings, at least for me, were put to rest. This is the oldest comic book movie to standup to the test of time, the first Superman movies looking and feeling as hoky as the Adam West Batman was. The casting gods somehow saw this picture through the tumult of finding a Joker in Jack Nickolson and a Vicki Vale in Kim Basinger. Most importantly, it understood Batman and his anti-hero, dark nature that set him apart from so many of the other superheroes, and most importantly, it ‘got’ the tension that exists between Bruce Wayne and his dark persona. It set the bar high for subsequent films, and minus Batman Returns, those expectations weren’t met until Blade was released some nine years later.

4. Sin City –

The visual masterpiece that was able to capture the graphic look of the comic book. As a piece of cinematography alone, its dramatic and striking imagery is worth a spot on this list. The large and meandering plot is handled and paced surprisingly well, owing no small part to the work of Quentin Tarantino’s ‘special guest director’ role. Frank Miller’s involvement surely silenced any typical questions of the film’s creditability (unlike the unfortunate Alan Moore and the horrible treatment of his work). Sin City was even able to capture the pulpy feel of the crime with many of the shorts, but if there were any problems with the movie it laid within the overacting of half the cast and the Robert Rodriguez style of action (in short: unrealistic camp) that contrasted so sharply with the rest of the movie’s grit. Yet, the other half of the cast was brilliant, notably Clive Owen, Bruce Willis and Mickey Rourke, who happen to be the three main leads and the slow inner dialogues were engaging, even Josh Hartnett’s monologues were fantastic. The movie was an experiment to try and capture Frank Miller’s unique style on film without turning the movie into a moving comic book. It worked.

3. Road to Perdition –

Easily the most prestigious movie on this list, it marked the first great comic book film in a genre that didn’t include men in tights or some variation there in (From Hell doesn’t count as a great film, it’s good just not great). Its dark role for Tom Hanks and creepy Jude Law didn’t sit well with many of the viewers, but pushing aside their weak sensibilities, this is a film that really shows the level of depth in the source material. The cinematography is crisp and often inspired in its implications of gore, which can be much more dramatic than actually showing it. The tale of a father’s drive to do anything to save his son (both body and soul) is a classic one that will resonate with any generation. But the most amazing thing about this movie was the child actor’s ability to come off amiable without being sanguine, naturally cocky without being campy, scared without being meek. Without his performance, all the Tom Hanks and Paul Newmans in the world couldn’t have saved this movie. Luckily, we got all three.

2. Batman Begins –

This movie marked the DC response to the Marvel onslaught of numerous, yet mostly crappy, films. They’re going for quality over quantity (at least so far), and yet they got it by doing the exact same kind of formula Marvel used for its few successes, get a good director and give him complete control. Christopher Nolan, best known for directing Memento, didn’t even know that much about Batman. What did matter was that he was allowed to helm the ship virtually alone—a stark contrast to the films by committee that are Daredevil, Elektra, Fantastic Four, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, etc. Oh and one important thing about the director must be true for them to do a good job: they must take the source material seriously. Ang Lee’s Hulk is the exception to the rule where he was given free reign and yet didn’t seem to ‘get’ the source material (opting to leave out the only source of comic relief in the character Rick Jones was a BAD idea).

So it goes that Nolan, along with an all-star cast, settled down to make the smart, dark, funny, serious Batman film that would modernize the character on film to represent the current maturity within the comic. Add in the wonderful casting job that helped save some of the dialogue (only Michael Caine could have made his lines sound good), and all the crappy fight scene cinematography can be overlooked, even by me. Christian Bale may not be everyone’s favorite Batman but you can definitely say he’s the best at displaying the extreme dichotomy of the playboy Bruce Wayne and the dark knight. After enough Batman camp to last me two lifetimes, DC and Warner finally made Batman cool again.

1. Spider-Man 2 –

Did anyone expect anything any different? If the first one was good then this one was a masterpiece. I’ve met a few diehards (blowhards?) who dislike MJ’s apparent lack of biting sarcasm, but the movies had to drop the witty fight banter too (since it was less funny ‘ha-ha’ and more funny ‘stupid’). With this sequel we see Peter progress as a character, his relationship with MJ grow, his relationship with his Aunt May take a radical departure from the comic (she hints at knowing he’s Spider-Man), and see yet another one of Spidey’s tragic villains go down as the good intentioned madman he originally was.

If Spider-Man was the engagement of action and drama then this movie was the marriage. The action flowed out of the plot naturally, rather than being the more contrived scenes it was in the first movie. Even the ‘end of the world’ problem at the end of the movie felt organic, as it was mostly an accident. This movie also had some of the best acting to ever appear in a comic book movie—the scene with MJ and Peter in the café is phenomenal, getting me to believe for those tense minutes that they were truly their characters. The CGI got a shot in the arm too this time as Doc Ock and Spider-Man swung around convincingly and with much gusto. Spider-Man 2 is THE-Best-Comic-Book-
Movie-Up-Until-This-Point-But-Including-Any-Other-Point-After-This-Until-A-
Better-Movie-Is-Made.

Well there you have it. I’m sure some of you will disagree with us, call us names, and/or generally think we don’t know a good movie from, well, a bad one, but I’ll have you know that you’d be wrong. We know bad films alright, and that’s why we’re also going to give you, free of charge, the 5 Worst Comic Book Movies. Blade: Trinity would have made it onto this list if not for the single reason to watch the film: Ryan Reynolds. Without further ado:

5. Daredevil –

This Mark Steven Johnson piece of trash couldn’t decide if it was camp (Colin Farrell’s despicable portrayal of Bullseye) or edgy/dark (Daredevil killing someone? The Virgin Mary crying blood?). Jennifer Garner can’t act, Ben Affleck acts stiff, the character was grossly misinterpreted, and action was either incoherent (blacked out barroom fight) or ridonkulously stupid (organ pipes fight scene, love fight in playground, motorcycle fight, etc.). Oh and the dialogue (“I’m not the bad guy”) made me want to vomit.

4. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen –

Stephen Norrington, the director, quit Hollywood forever because of this film. Once Sean Connery got signed for the role of Allan Quartermain, it was all downhill from there when Connery decided to take so many liberties with the comic as to make the film almost unrecognizable as the same property. Why was a smart, character driven and action-lite comic turned into an action heavy, character-less slug-fest full of camp and outrageous sets?

3. Barb Wire –

This was already expected to be so awful before its release that I almost didn’t put it up here. Yet it does represent the medium, and it is as bad as we all expected. It has Pam Anderson in tight leather poorly fighting with big guns and offering one-liners with a natural feel equivalent to her bosom. They really didn’t even TRY to make this a film based off the original comic in anything but ‘loose concept’. This is technically a worse movie than either of the next two films but since it had no allusions to grandeur, it’ll get a break.

2. Batman and Robin –

Have I mentioned it enough this article? The. Batsuit. Had. Nipples. End of story. And George Clooney was even worse than Val Kilmer, who knew it was possible? The movie aimed for over-the-top melodrama and a ‘Batman On Ice’ mentality. But instead of real ice for all those scenes, we got enough plastic and mood lighting to make thirty porn films out of. The only thing that could have made this film worse was putting more clothes on Uma Thurman.

1. Catwoman –

“Let’s take an established character. Throw away everything but her name, and then give her a costume with pre-cut rips in it!” Why? Halle Berry has trouble signing onto a third X-Men and she makes THIS? The idea alone should have sent warning bells ringing. I expect crap films from Berry and Sharon Stone; it’s really Lambert Wilson (the Merovingian from the Matrices) who I’m really disappointed with here. At least Elektra, while also designed simply to make money off a ‘hot’ female lead, was able to have actual characters from the comic in it.

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